Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Mommy Olympics 2008

I think I will be hosting my own mommy Olympics this year.  While I admire those who train their entire lives for the Olympics I think that motherhood is just as deserving of medals and cermonies.  So I present to you...the Mommy Olympics 2008!

Opening Ceremony:

Begins with last year's winner who walks up the steps in her Crocs and sweatpants and lights five Nuva-Rings aglow.  Then she lets go 2 helium balloons that her kids got at the grocery store on the way over.  She then turns and announces the games will begin by saying, "Don't make me come down these steps or so help me..."  The crowd cheers and the games begin.

Events include:

The Longest Aisle

This event consists of you bringing a tired toddler into Walmart with you just to pick up a bag of Pull-Ups...or so it seems.  Then you chase down a WalMart employee to actually help you when you can't reach the size you need on the top shelf.  She who makes it the longest without a toddler tantrum wins the gold.

Lake of Legos

You go to put your soundly sleeping baby down for a nap when you come across a sea of legos your 5 year old left.  Try and step on and over the legos without waking up your sleeping infant.  If you step on a lego you are not eliminated unless you cry out in pain and grab your foot.  Fastest mom to the crib gets the gold.


This event is a surprise event where moms wake suddenly from sound sleep at 1am to the sound of chunks being hurled onto freshly cleaned comforters.  First mom has to grab the hair of the child and hold it back.  Then mom has to try to aim the child's head towards the comforter and not allow vomit to spill on the floor.  After that mom has to dash the comforter into the wash.  After that mom has to pick out of the washer the leftover whole chunks of pre-digested food.  This challenge is scored on three factors: quickest response time to child, longest gag stifle, and one who removes hot dog chunks from the washer in the quickest time.  Points are deducted for vomit on the floor.  Vomiting along with sick child is grounds for elimination.

Vegetable Incognito Relay

Moms are placed in a kitchen full of vegetables and food processors.  The one that can hide the most vegtables in a serving of meatloaf (ounce for ounce) without the child rejecting the food wins gold.  French fries are not vegetables and are not permitted.

Sour Milk Crawl

A sippy cup full of rotten milk is left in a car in a place that no person would ever think to look.  Be the first to locate the cup of foul hot yogurt and win gold. 

PTA Plunge

This is very simple: get fundraiser packet from child's school and beg, plead, guilt, pester, and cajole all friends and family to buy a useless piece of junk for $14.99 so that junior can earn a pen that lights up at the end of the month.  She who is able to sell the most gets the gold medal and will be receiving all the useless junk back as Christmas gifts.

Birth Blockbuster

Mothers are given an opportunity to utilize their creativity and create a documentary on the birth of their child.  A special effects crew is available for all scenes with explosions, car wrecks, bloody husbands, and aliens pushing their way out of your nether-regions.  She who produces the film with the most parental warnings and and at least a PG-13 rating will win gold.  Judges will be women who have never had babies and probably never will after seeing these documentaries.

The end of the Mommy Olympics will be a bunch of nursing mothers breastfeeding in protest in front of a store that asked a mother nursing twins to leave the week prior.  That will be followed by a bunch of minivans trying to leave the parking lot to get their kids back home for soccer practice.  Most will be on their cell phones ordering pizza because it is too late to make dinner.  The stragglers will be those who had to change poopy diapers in the back of their minivans before leaving. 

For all moms who read my blog I just want to tell you that you rock!!!  You can all be on my team next year.  Motherhood is not for wimps and I am glad I am in it with you all. 


{sara} said...

Wendy, I love reading your blog! The things you say & the way you word them are perfect! You hit everything right on the nose! Your Mommy Olympics cracked me up!