Mommy Olympics 2008

I think I will be hosting my own mommy Olympics this year.  While I admire those who train their entire lives for the Olympics I think that motherhood is just as deserving of medals and cermonies.  So I present to you...the Mommy Olympics 2008!

Opening Ceremony:

Begins with last year's winner who walks up the steps in her Crocs and sweatpants and lights five Nuva-Rings aglow.  Then she lets go 2 helium balloons that her kids got at the grocery store on the way over.  She then turns and announces the games will begin by saying, "Don't make me come down these steps or so help me..."  The crowd cheers and the games begin.

Events include:

The Longest Aisle

This event consists of you bringing a tired toddler into Walmart with you just to pick up a bag of Pull-Ups...or so it seems.  Then you chase down a WalMart employee to actually help you when you can't reach the size you need on the top shelf.  She who makes it the longest without a toddler tantrum wins the gold.

Lake of Legos

You go to put your soundly sleeping baby down for a nap when you come across a sea of legos your 5 year old left.  Try and step on and over the legos without waking up your sleeping infant.  If you step on a lego you are not eliminated unless you cry out in pain and grab your foot.  Fastest mom to the crib gets the gold.

Barf-a-thon

This event is a surprise event where moms wake suddenly from sound sleep at 1am to the sound of chunks being hurled onto freshly cleaned comforters.  First mom has to grab the hair of the child and hold it back.  Then mom has to try to aim the child's head towards the comforter and not allow vomit to spill on the floor.  After that mom has to dash the comforter into the wash.  After that mom has to pick out of the washer the leftover whole chunks of pre-digested food.  This challenge is scored on three factors: quickest response time to child, longest gag stifle, and one who removes hot dog chunks from the washer in the quickest time.  Points are deducted for vomit on the floor.  Vomiting along with sick child is grounds for elimination.

Vegetable Incognito Relay

Moms are placed in a kitchen full of vegetables and food processors.  The one that can hide the most vegtables in a serving of meatloaf (ounce for ounce) without the child rejecting the food wins gold.  French fries are not vegetables and are not permitted.

Sour Milk Crawl

A sippy cup full of rotten milk is left in a car in a place that no person would ever think to look.  Be the first to locate the cup of foul hot yogurt and win gold. 

PTA Plunge

This is very simple: get fundraiser packet from child's school and beg, plead, guilt, pester, and cajole all friends and family to buy a useless piece of junk for $14.99 so that junior can earn a pen that lights up at the end of the month.  She who is able to sell the most gets the gold medal and will be receiving all the useless junk back as Christmas gifts.

Birth Blockbuster

Mothers are given an opportunity to utilize their creativity and create a documentary on the birth of their child.  A special effects crew is available for all scenes with explosions, car wrecks, bloody husbands, and aliens pushing their way out of your nether-regions.  She who produces the film with the most parental warnings and and at least a PG-13 rating will win gold.  Judges will be women who have never had babies and probably never will after seeing these documentaries.

The end of the Mommy Olympics will be a bunch of nursing mothers breastfeeding in protest in front of a store that asked a mother nursing twins to leave the week prior.  That will be followed by a bunch of minivans trying to leave the parking lot to get their kids back home for soccer practice.  Most will be on their cell phones ordering pizza because it is too late to make dinner.  The stragglers will be those who had to change poopy diapers in the back of their minivans before leaving. 

For all moms who read my blog I just want to tell you that you rock!!!  You can all be on my team next year.  Motherhood is not for wimps and I am glad I am in it with you all. 

The Devious Plan

In the Mommy Olympics there are a few categories:

1. Those who exaggerate about their children's accomplishments and then brag.

"My child was talking like an adult at 12 months." ~My grandmother about my uncle.

2. Those who push their children hard and then brag about how much they can do.

"Johnny is reading above his grade level, spends 2 hours a night on homework, takes karate, soccer, and art lessons with a private teacher and then on weekends we volunteer at our church and he feeds the homeless and is on his way to solving world hunger in his spare time...." (I'm tuning this person out by now.)

3. Those who nurture their children to become the best they can and brag about areas they excell in.

"Chloe is a fantastic writer. She is already writing in paragraphs and she just started first grade." ~ Me, about my 6 year old. (Notice I snuck that in there.) :-)

And then there are those who refuse to participate in the Mommy Olympics, and those are the moms I have to wonder a bit about. I mean, you birthed a beautiful living breathing creature...it's your God-given right to brag about this little person! To those women I say "Get into the game!"

Today I will begin volunteering in my daughter's first grade classroom. I will be helping with the Advanced Reading program. This means I will be gauging how well the children are reading and understanding what they read. I do this because I love being able to see Chloe's classroom close up. I love helping her awesome teacher and I love kids. However, I also do it so I can see how well Chloe is doing and how she is measuring up to the other kids. I want to watch Chloe and figure out where she needs help and where she is strong in so I can work on those areas with her. I can also see how she behaves in class (not that she is a problem) and how she interacts with her peers. This is my "mommy detective" hard at work making sure I know my daughter well enough to nurture her through her school year. I'm looking forward to watching her shine and glow when her mommy comes in to help. She is really excited to have me come in...it's almost tear jerking to know she is so proud that I am her mommy.

Is there anything better than walking into a classroom and being "Chloe's Mommy?" This is going to be the highlight of my day today.